From Curiosity to Clarity: How to Have the Conversations That Matter
We’ve talked about The Risk of Avoiding a Difficult Conversation, and in Is It Performance or Misconduct?, we shared how to recognize the early signs that something may be off with a team member. Maybe it’s missed deadlines, growing friction with teammates, or a shift in tone.
Spotting those patterns is the first step. The next step is figuring out what’s causing the behavior.
Is the employee underprepared, undertrained, overwhelmed, or lacking support? Or are you seeing signs of disregard, defensiveness, or purposeful boundary-pushing?
To answer that, you need a direct, well-framed conversation delivered with curiosity, empathy, and kindness.
Begin with Curiosity
When it’s unclear whether the issue is performance-related or behavioral, the best next step is to initiate a thoughtful, one-on-one conversation. The goal is not to accuse, but to understand.
You might start with something like:
“I’ve noticed some changes recently. You’ve missed a couple of deadlines, and there’s been some tension in meetings. I wanted to check in, see how you’re doing, and understand what’s going on.”
This shows that you’re paying attention and gives the employee space to explain. Their response is often just as revealing as the behavior itself.
What to Listen For
Performance issues often come with acknowledgment, concern, or a request for support. You’ll hear a willingness to engage and improve.
Misconduct may show up as deflection, denial, or resistance. The employee might challenge motives, minimize or excuse their actions, or blame others.
Tone and body language can matter just as much as the words themselves.
Clarify Expectations
Once you’ve opened the conversation, listened carefully, and asked open-ended questions, the next step is to clearly outline expectations. Be specific.
If you believe it’s a performance issue, describe what success looks like and offer appropriate support. For example:
“Let’s set up weekly check-ins for the next month to make sure you’re getting what you need and staying on track.”
If you believe it’s a conduct issue, focus on behavior and accountability. For example:
“It’s important that everyone communicates professionally and respectfully, even when there’s disagreement. Speaking over others, interrupting, or rolling your eyes isn’t acceptable and needs to stop.”
No matter the issue, the employee should leave the conversation knowing:
What they’re expected to do differently
What support or resources will be available, if any
How their progress will be monitored
What the consequences will be if there’s no change
When you’ll check in again to assess progress
Even informal conversations benefit from structure. When expectations are left vague, accountability becomes harder to enforce, and the risk of repeated issues grows.
Perhaps more importantly, how you deliver expectations during these conversations matters just as much as the expectations themselves. Even when addressing serious issues, your tone should be calm, direct, and respectful. Hard things can be said kindly. A steady and respectful approach helps lower defensiveness and keeps the conversation focused on growth and accountability, not emotion or blame.
Document the Conversation and Follow Up
After the conversation, it’s important to capture what was discussed. This includes the core concerns, the expectations that were set, any support or resources that were offered, and the agreed timeline for follow-up. It doesn’t need to be a full transcript, just a clear, concise summary of what matters most.
In most cases, a short follow-up email to the employee can serve as both documentation and reinforcement. It provides a written reference point and helps ensure shared understanding. The email might include:
A brief recap of what prompted the conversation
The specific expectations going forward
Any support offered or check-ins scheduled
The date you’ll reconnect to assess progress
Even if the conversation felt informal, the follow-up should be professional and focused. It helps prevent confusion, shows follow-through, and creates a clear record for both parties.
Looking for support navigating conversations like these?
Faro Point Consulting helps organizations address workplace challenges with clarity, consistency, and care. We offer leadership guidance, training, and tailored support for sensitive performance and conduct issues.
